"Life throws curveballs. All you can do is swing at
'em."
-- Pete Rose
Correctional Filing and Correctional Math, Counts and Accounts
Your drill instructor will not take away your birthday,
but Pope Gregory the XIII might. Late in the year 2003,
I was thinking about scheduling a vacation the following
year and mentally calculating a day of the week without a
calendar, and then a date it would fall on, when I realized
that next February 29th needed to be counted because 2004
is a leap year. And so it occurred to me to provide you with
some useless trivia.
In the year 1582, Pope Gregory the XIII, was informed
that we were behind. That sounds funny, so I will elaborate.
His advisors, who also happened to be learned in the ways
of Astronomy, informed him that the Caesarean calendar
was not accurate enough for their time. Their calculations
showed that seasonal events would not occur on the same
date every year because their current calendar currently put
them 10 days behind, with more falling behind to come.
The actual date should have been the 15th of October, while
the world as they knew it was observing the 5th of October.
This all occurs due to things like sidereal years, tropical
years, declination, and other astronomical terms like that.
There is not enough space to explain here, and if I did, you
would quit reading.
Pope Gregory declared that day, the 5th, to be the 15th,
skipping the scheduled days in between (hope you didn't
have a birthday or a dentist appointment). In addition to this,
Pope Gregory modifi ed the Caesarean calendar by deciding
that century years could only be leap years if they were
divisible by 400, thus subtracting 3 days (February 29ths)
from happening every 400 years, and therefore creating the
Gregorian calendar, which is what we use today. Removing
those three days from every 400 years makes time, on the
calendar at least, go just a little bit faster, so we will not fall
behind.
If you were more than a mere child in the year 1900, you
may have already known this. Why is this bit of information
useless to us? Well, it is not, if you plan on living until the
year 2100. That particular year would normally be a leap
year, because it is divisible by four. Due to Pope Gregory's
declaration, it will not be a leap year. It is a century year,
and it is not divisible by 400.
So, if your children or grandchildren some day attempt
to plan a vacation a year in advance, or a special event early
in 2100, you may want to warn them ahead of time. They
can observe February 29th, in the year 2096, but they won't
see another one until February 29, 2104. Imagine the poor
kids born on February 29, 2096. They won't see their fi rst
birthday until they are eight years old!
Pope Gregory's calendar keeps us pretty close. We
won't have to worry about adjusting days or taking away
somebody's birthday (and I thought my Drill Instructor was
kidding!) for approximately 3,300 years, which is when our
current calendar puts us one day behind. I wonder what day
they will skip?
"Hey, I'm out of space on the legal-call log. Where in
the fi le cabinet can I fi nd more of them?"
"What does it say at the top of the form?"
"Staff Assisted Confi dential Telephone Call Log
forms."
"Oh, between Maintenance Work Orders and Material
Purchases."
"What's the folder called?"
"Monthly."
"Monthly what?"
"It's just called Monthly."
"Hell, that's not even in alphabetical order. What does
Monthly have to do with legal calls?"
"The sheet is turned in monthly."
"Fuck, that makes no sense; aren't lots of things turned
in monthly, like the monthly report?"
"Well, sure, but."
"No it's not turned in monthly; it's turned in when it's
full."
"It's under Monthly."
"We're also out of MRs (misconduct reports). Where
are the MRs?"
"Under R for write-up."
We were going on a travel order (TO). Normally, on a
TO, you need the number of staff to be one more than the
number of inmates. That was per Administrative Regulation
(AR). Lt. Wissehruhr assigned four staff to go. We were
taking two inmates over and bringing one inmate back. The
maximum number of inmates in our custody at any one time
would be two.
Lt. W said, "Two over and one back, that's three inmates,
you need four staff."
"Why, in case one of them changes his mind and doesn't
get out?"
We were one over on our physical count because an
inmate had cleaned off his bunk. We were not aware that
he was still living there. He did not leave a sheet, blanket,
pillow, or anything to indicate that somebody lived there.
Had we taken the bed roster with us, we would have caught
the discrepancy. It was Sunday. We elected to just count
heads that day. The kitchen was one short because the same
guy we did not count was at work in the kitchen, physically
in the can, growing a tail. The vast majority of new inmates
work in the kitchen until they learn how much it sucks, so
we were not familiar with this inmate. After we had turned
in our count sheet, and the kitchen had turned in theirs, the
numbers balanced. The kitchen corporal called us fi rst to
tell us that the guy was there. He noticed when he emerged
from the crapper. That is precisely the moment we realized
that he was not in our housing unit. We did not subtract one
inmate from the total because we did not know he existed.
Imagine how many statements of charges were avoided.
The Department of Corrections takes 5% of the earnings
from inmates for their gate fee. The gate fee is inmate
terminology for a payment of $100 given to inmates for
survival basics upon discharge.
Why do they take the 5% from the inmates serving a
life sentence?
"Batiste, I just heard something disturbing. Tell me it
ain't true." I was whored-out at the time, listening to an
inmate from 6-B-bay, in the drug rehabilitation program.
"I'm paroling on the 26th, and I'm told that they have already
froze my books."
"Actually, they aren't frozen. A check has been cut for
the balance and they have been completely zeroed out."
"Whatchu mean? How'm I gonna spend the money at
store tomorrow?"
"You won't be able to spend it, because there won't be
any funds available."
"But now, I lose all them dead presidents!"
"You still get the gate fee."
"Yah, but now I really only get $55 because I already
had $45 on my books."
"That's the breaks."
"But I could have spent up that $45 at the store, and then
gained the full Benjamin."
"Look on the bright side. You got free food and health
care the entire time you've been here."
"Man, but I'm out almost half a C-note. How many days
do they freeze your account before you parole?"
"It varies."
"Well, I'm pissed anew. And on what does that variance
depend?"
"Oh, so now you want to use proper English."